August 18, 2003
Vandalus phantasticus
We all have fantasies that we can't act upon… I often walk past a Hummer H2 parked on the street in our neighborhood and want to kick it. It might sound silly, but the damn thing's existence just makes me want to kick it. I mentioned this to my wife and she confessed to similar leanings… though hers are slightly more confrontational. I characterize the typical Hummer H2 owner as “a dweeb with a lot of money (or credit) and no taste.” Also, the guys that own these things (and they must be 99% guys) must have small penises. I hate saying that, but only because I fear the googlebot and it's indexing of the P word… but it must be said. So my fantasy tonight as we talked about this is that I make up a nice little stencil that says “small penis” and that in the middle of the night we go out and spray paint it on the side of the Hummer H2's doors… of course we can't really do it… because I believe in the rule of law and private property… but it's tempting nonetheless… My wife thinks things like the Hummer should be against the law and we would be justified in these actions… but that sort of rationalization is a slippery slope… before we knew it we'd be stenciling every SUV in San Francisco (hmmm). Anyway, I'm not up for anarchy just yet… and if this idea creates copy-cat type events I am not responsible. Ideas don't spray paint stencils on Hummer H2s, people do.
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